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Is Christmas music dangerous? I know, some people consider it dangerous to their mental health, but is it dangerous enough to get you killed?
Going on the theory that we all dance around in the driver’s seat when a bouncy song we like comes on the radio (or streaming service, to keep it modern), the car insurance company Chill Insurance has come up with the 10 most dangerous Christmas songs to play as you’re driving down the road on a dreary December day.
Before we get started, let me say that an insurance company calling itself Chill is almost satire. I’ve never known an insurance company, of any kind, to be chill. Try to make a claim and you’ll run into drama unlike any you’ve ever encountered.
“You want to use a service you’ve faithfully paid for over the years? Are you insane? No! Get out of my office!”
Anyway, here are the top 10 Christmas songs that will get you killed and, even worse, maybe make your insurance company pay out a claim:
1. Gene Autry, ‘Frosty the Snowman’, 172 BPM
2. Mariah Carey, ‘All I want For Christmas’, 150 BPM
3. José Feliciano, ‘Feliz Navidad’, 149 BPM
4. Jackson 5, ‘Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town’, 147 BPM
5. John Lennon and Yoko Ono, ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over)’, 146 BPM
6. Frank Sinatra, ‘Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!’, 143 BPM
7. Gene Autry, ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’, 142 BPM
8. Wizzard, ‘I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day’, 140 BPM
9. Judy Garland, ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’, 137 BPM
10. Jackson 5, ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’, 129 BPM
I know what you’re thinking. What in the world is “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day” by Wizzard? The rest of them are standards, known the world over. But Wizzard? Did I miss something?
Let’s look at them individually.
Frosty The Snowman. Have you ever really rocked out to this? Be honest. No shame if you have. But even at 172 beats per minute (BPM), it doesn’t seem like a fast song. You might crash if you’re old enough and nostalgic and get lost in memory, but from the pace?
All I Want for Christmas. You might drive into traffic trying to avoid hearing it again. But don’t. There will be people in the other cars you run into and they’re probably listening to good music.
Feliz Navidad. This is an OLD song. About the same age as me. And I was lunging to change the station when it came on at the age of five. Listen at your own risk.
Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Don’t know if I’ve ever heard the Jackson 5 version. The Bruce Springsteen version is pretty good. But Springsteen can do no wrong. I’ll fight you on this!
Happy Xmas (War is Over). A rock song with a Christmas theme. Better than Christmas music deserves.
Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow. A million versions of this song. Don’t know if I’m familiar with Sinatra’s version. But he had mob ties, so we’ll say it’s a classic that’d never cause you to crash.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Most people of a certain age see this more as a theme song for a show that terrified them when they were six, but looks astoundingly bad as an adult.
I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day. As I said, I have no idea what this is. But the idea of every day being Christmas is just exhausting and would make you crash your car on purpose.
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. Another song with a million versions and I’m not sure if I’ve heard this version. I guess it’s from a movie. If you believe old Hollywood gossip, Garland was probably operating on speed and four hours of sleep over a week, so it probably is dangerous.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Under the Christmas Tree. Yes, we all know Santa here is Dad, but the kid doesn’t know that. As far as he knows, he’s watching his sweet mother commit adultery. With Santa Claus! Who wrote such a thing?
In conclusion, none of these songs will make you crash your car and ruin your insurance agents day. This was a stupid study. Chill Insurance needs to get back to having heart attacks whenever somebody tries to make a claim.
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